Sunday, 24 August 2014

Symptom: Suicidal thoughts

Depression Suicidal Thoughts

Depression Suicidal Thoughts Blog

Depression Blog Suicidal Thoughts

So this is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to write... I wasn't going to write about this particular symptom because there is so much taboo surrounding it and, to be honest, I'm quite ashamed about it. But there has been so much media coverage about it recently due to Robin Williams' death that I decided it's a very important issue to discuss with you, and I want to be completely honest in order to help other people and myself. Please stop reading now if you think this may upset you in any way - that is not what I want this to do!

I really don't want to have these thoughts, but when I get really down my mind turns to it as a kind of escape route, and they can't be easily controlled. It is utterly terrifying. God, I'm crying just writing this post. When it gets to that point it makes me feel like life is pointless, and that I have nothing to give anymore and am completely useless. It is so isolating as obviously I feel like I can't tell people as it would upset them or they would think I was crazy (which I assure you I'm not), and it also may put unnecessary pressure on them. Only two people really knew the extent of my thoughts before I wrote this post, so it's quite scary for me as I don't want people to judge me, or think differently of me, because of it. These thoughts are very irrational and when I am okay I know that, but it is almost like being a different person to who I normally am. Also having suicidal thoughts doesn't necessarily mean you want to die; this can be very confusing at times and is really hard to explain. I feel so sorry for people that get to the stage where they actually want to take their own life, as just having thoughts about it is bad enough, and they must be in such a terrible place to do so.

Many people believe that suicide is a purely selfish act, and this may be true to a certain extent. However, sometimes depression can genuinely make you believe that everyone would be better off without you here, and in that sense it seems like the best idea for everyone. Also may I just point out that not everyone with depression has these thoughts; the symptoms are individual for everyone.

I don't want people to become wary around me as they think I have these thoughts all the time - I don't. In fact, they are becoming less and less frequent as I feel myself getting better, which is amazing for me as I am much less scared to be on my own. If you ever have these thoughts don't just leave them to get worse - if you don't feel like you can speak to someone close to you call the Samaritans. Or if you feel like you are likely to act on them, ring 999 or drop into A&E - there is a crisis team on hand 24 hours a day if you need them. If you want to hear a bit more about how it feels to have suicidal thoughts, watch this video that Mind have produced - it sums it up brilliantly.

Anyway, enough doom and gloom for today... I have managed to paint the first coat on the back wall of our summer house (see the very attractive photo below of me wearing my dad's fashionable painting suit), whilst also covering myself in blue. I didn't realise how hard work painting is - I'll have biceps bigger than Popeye's by the time I'm finished! I promise my post tomorrow won't be as depressing as this one; that's enough miserableness for one week :)

Hannah x


  1. Hannah - this is a hugely brave post to write. I empathise with so many of the thoughts that you have expressed here. The feeling that killing yourself is what is best for everyone and the feeling that you are not yourself! When feeling well it is terrifying to think of yourself feeling like that. But you are such a strong woman to be able to share these feelings in writing. That should make you so proud. You should carry that strength with you and try to find it when you are feeling low. Sometimes when I was feeling at my worst in my early 20s I just wanted the world to stop so I could get off. Or I wanted to be able to go to sleep for months on end and wake up when I could be happy again. But now I am a wife and a mother and I am happy. Yes, my depression is still a part of my life (and it always will be) but I am in control. You are a beautiful, loving and inspiring woman with an amazing future ahead of you. Never give up and always remember that this too shall pass. The storm clouds will clear and the sun will shine again. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

    1. Hi Mrs H, thank you so much for your lovely and thoughtful comment. I am sorry to hear that you unfortunately can empathise with my suicidal thoughts, but at the same time it gives me hope that things can get better, as it has done for you. I just take every day as it comes and try to deal with what life throws at me one step at a time.

      Thank you again for taking the time to leave your lovely message. It is messages like yours that keep me going with my blog and motivated to help myself and others along the way xxxx

  2. You are right about self-harm. It is complicated, but it is also largely spurred by a mesh of bad feeling. Depression can really trick people into feeling that they are unwanted, or have no other value and purpose in this world. It would be better to step back and think about why you had slipped into that feeling again, so that you can avoid falling for such pitfalls in the future. Anyway, great job painting the wall of your house!

    Lyle Larson @ Superior Psychiatric