Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Ready to go home

Today has been a bit of a funny one. I nearly wanted to throw my phone at the wall when my alarm clock went off this morning, yet I was awake anyway due to not sleeping that well. I got up and went to university, making all of the usual motions, but I just couldn't get myself going. Something inside me wouldn't let me feel 'normal' so I just walked round feeling odd all day. I guess it's my black dog, dragging me down once again.

My Nan's funeral is looming over me as it will be held on Thursday, and I feel a little bit in limbo, waiting for it to happen. I have found that bereavement is a funny thing - it hasn't really felt real to me currently, especially as I haven't been home and the funeral hasn't happened yet.

I am going home tomorrow for the Christmas holidays and I really can't wait! I have really begun to struggle the past couple of days (that's what being at uni since August does to you) and am completely ready to go home and be looked after for a while. I haven't done an outfit post or anything like that for a couple of weeks (last one here), but that will all change over Christmas - expect some glitter and sparkles for the festive season! My self-esteem hasn't been great the past couple of weeks so I haven't really felt like having photos taken of myself, but I have a couple of pieces that I really want to show on here so will have to buck up my ideas and pose for the camera.

I read this article by Jamie Flexman today and found it really interesting. I think he really captured the essence of depression and how it can be stigmatised. He explains how it is physical as well as mental - when you think about it it's just your brain hurting, which is a physical organ. Jamie also has an amazing blog here - definitely worth a read. I will leave you with this quote that he wrote in the article I mentioned:

"What is the difference between depression and food poisoning?
I'll tell you.
With food poisoning you can phone in sick to work and your boss will allow you to have a day or two off with no questions asked. Have you ever tried to phone in sick with depression? I bet most of you haven't, mainly because you just KNOW that your boss won't believe you, let alone be ok with it.
So you make up a 'real' illness - you know, one that everyone can relate to."
I think this is so true; even now when I have opened up about my depression to practically the whole world, I still sometimes make up a 'real' illness if I need a day or two off from university, even though they know about my mental health. It's ridiculous really because depression is just as good an excuse, if not a better excuse, to take a day off as a cold or an infection. This is just because the stigma around it - read and share my post on changing the stigma around mental health - the only way we can do it is together. Next time I call in sick I will be saying that I'm not having a great day and I need a day to recover, as I can't physically get myself out of bed.
In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live, make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you're going.


  1. First of all, I'm really glad I stumbled upon your blog- as someone else who's fighting depression, I found it really insightful and I look forward to your future posts!
    Secondly, I'm really sorry to hear about your nan, and I get what you mean about it not feeling real yet.I lost my Grandad in February and felt exactly the same. But in my experience, the funeral brings a bit of closure, and you can slowly but surely start to move forward. :)

  2. Hi Ellie, thank you so much for your lovely comment - I'm glad you have found my posts useful so far! Thank you for your kind words about my Nan. Her funeral was today and I see what you mean about it bringing a bit of closure. I hope you continue to read my blog! xx