Saturday, 3 January 2015

Optimism

Optimism

I wish I could bottle optimism and use it as a perfume whenever someone needs a bit of a boost. It would smell like sunflowers on a rainy day, a very fresh and possibly unexpected scent. I felt so optimistic earlier and it's a lovely feeling - I felt like I could do anything I wanted and be completely comfortable with myself. It's a feeling of hope for the future, of belief in yourself, and a generally positive view about everything. I was able to see the positives in the darkest of situations, the silver lining in every cloud, the good in an unpleasant circumstance. When I feel optimistic I get some of my best (and craziest) ideas... from optimism Project Smile was born, and the need to tick 'dancing in the street' off my bucket list for 2015. I always feel very light-hearted and happy and know that at the end of the day, everything will be okay.

However this evening everything began to change. The light at the end of the tunnel dimmed, I found it difficult to have positive thoughts, and my movements became slow and laboured. My depression was kicking in again. It's horrible how you can be fine for most of the day, and then suddenly start to feel awful for no apparent reason. I can't stop crying and everything seems like a lot of work - I just want to sleep. My mind won't stop racing and my heart is beating along with it. I've described depression so many times before on my blog, but it's always a shock to me when it fully hits like this again, after I've felt good for a few days.

But I'm not going to let it beat me. I know optimism exists, I know I'm worthy of being here and that I'm doing well. And I know that I can feel good again. It's just so hard when depression hits to be positive and fight through the black fog that seems to surround you, or shake off the black dog tightly hanging onto your ankles. I am hopeful that tomorrow brings the optimism that I crave so badly, and the happiness that my soul needs to be me. I just wish it was so much easier to get through it. As rightly said in The Fault In Our Stars, "That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt" - you have to go through it to come out the other side.
You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you.
                                                           - John Green, The Fault In Our Stars



3 comments:

  1. Keep going, Hannah! I'm cheering you on.

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  2. Your sheer will to be okay again is amazing. I'm sorry that it can be hard sometime and I hope writing this blog gives you some catharsis. Good for you for raising awareness for something that people still don't understand really. You sound to me, very optimistic, and I'm optimistic for you as well. People rarely seem to value the power of positive thinking!

    http://noranoraa.blogspot.co.uk/

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