Monday, 20 April 2015

Being honest with myself


I don't think I've been completely honest with myself the past week or so. I haven't wanted to admit to myself that I'm struggling much more than I thought I was because I don't want to go backwards again. Today I have finally admitted that I'm still not feeling great and maybe need a bit of help and support, and that's okay. I'm thinking about starting my antidepressants again and being referred for a bit of counselling to try and get myself back to a good place.

I think I've expected a bit too much of myself and have expected myself to feel better too quickly, when actually I've been having a few wobbles each day. I need to stop pushing myself so much and take it easy - otherwise I'm scared that I will tip the other way and end up back at square one. I need to try and be nicer to myself and stop beating myself up when I have a bit of a relapse - as it's completely normal to go backwards a little bit with mental health. I just need that bit of extra help and my mum and housemate have made me realise that that's okay and that I am not on my own with my depression.

I feel like through this blog my readers may think that I'm a really strong person that is lucky to be well on my way to recovery, when actually I am breaking into tiny little pieces inside. And I feel like I'm trying to keep myself stuck together with pritt stick, I'm that fragile right now. But I do know that I am a strong person - my depression doesn't make me weak. And I also realise that it's okay to admit that I am struggling, and perhaps that will make people realise that that's okay for them to admit too.

So I'm taking another positive step towards recovery with my trusty Citalopram in one hand and my beloved therapist in the other. I'm hoping that with a little time and a lot of hard work from myself I will start to see my way out of this dark patch. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
At any given moment you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.




PS Please donate towards my sponsored skydive for Mind here, or text MIHV99 £1 to 70070 - thank you for your support!

6 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. This past week has been extremely hard. Like almost back to the hospital hard. I've gone back to how I was before I started my most recent medication. And after a few good weeks, it is very difficult to go back to the way I was before. But, we have to remember that it will get better again. As they say H.O.P.E. Hold on Pain Ends.

    I'm glad that you're taking the steps you need to take to help yourself. Hopefully your dark patch will pass soon. Unfortunately a lot of hard work is needed, but I believe you can do it. I wish you the best.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been suffering too. You definitely will get better again - you have before and you can again, it's just so so hard xx

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  2. I think we as readers think you are a strong person because you ARE. Strength doesn't mean you are 100% recovered, strength is when you don't give up and keep fighting. Just like you are doing xxx

    Sam | Samantha Betteridge

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    1. Thank you Sam, that means such a lot! xxx

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  3. I think I expected recovery from depression and anxiety to be a really straightforward switch from struggling to cured. If I had a bad day or even just a bad half an hour I'd feel like it was all over and I'd be heading straight back to the darkest, lowest parts. But then I realised that recovery can be a bit two steps forward, one step back.That's ok. It doesn't mean you'll never be better or that you're getting worse. It just means that these things take a bit of time. From what you write, it sounds like you're actually doing a really good job of getting back on track - and never be afraid to need to ask for a bit more help :)
    Jennifer x
    Ginevrella | Lifestyle Blog

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    1. Yes it's so hard when you get relapses. But I think I need to realise that I'm not going to be okay all the time and that's fine - I just need to get back to my happy place with a little help from others :) xx

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