Sunday, 31 May 2015

Lazy Sunday

Today has been such a lazy one, which has actually been really nice. I managed to drag myself out of bed at around 3pm and was worried that I hadn't done anything today, but actually I have achieved a few things. I didn't get dressed or put any make-up on but I managed to change my bed sheets, do a bit of work, and watch the Britain's Got Talent Final (so glad Matisse won!). All very small things, but they can seem huge when you suffer with depression.

I've actually had a relatively good day today - my mind hasn't been as occupied with negative thoughts as usual, and I haven't felt down at all. Here's hoping that my medication is starting to kick in a bit! I'm starting my paediatrics placement tomorrow which I'm really excited for; it should be really fun. I hope you have all had a lovely weekend!
Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I.

Saturday, 30 May 2015

10 things nobody ever tells you about depression

1) It's not just about being sad
Many people think that the only emotion in depression is sadness and being low in mood, when it's unfortunately so so much more than that. Numbness, guilt, helplessness, apathy - just some of the negative emotions that people with depression often suffer from. Depression also presents so differently in one person to another. On the upside, it means that depressed individuals also experience happiness much more intensely and appreciate happy times so much more - and I think that's really special.

2) It's painful
Depression is painful. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I often get a physical pain in my chest or ache all over when I'm feeling really down. In fact the pain, usually the emotional pain, can become quite overwhelming and crippling.

3) It's terrifying
Depression is so scary, it can make you feel so alone and want to physically hurt yourself. The negative thoughts can be terrifying and the emotions that come along with it can often be worse.

4) There is no symptomatic relief
It's not like if you're in pain, you can just take some paracetamol; or if you're feeling sick you can have an anti-emetic. There is no symptomatic relief for depression. No way of switching off emotions or stopping the negative thoughts.

5) It's exhausting
Imagine having no energy all of the time; not even enough to get out of bed or to brush your teeth. Depression messes up your sleeping pattern - I often find myself not being able to sleep at night and being exhausted throughout the day, having to take long naps to keep my energy levels at a functional level. Even if I get a good night's sleep I still feel tired all the time when I am suffering with my depression.

6) You will have good days
One of the stigmas around depression is that you have to be down all the time - you won't be. People with depression have good days, and on those good days they can even feel happy. It's a little chink of light in such dark times.

7) You become irrational
Depression causes your thoughts to become completely irrational, and you start believing them. You believe that you are a bad person, that people would be better off without you, that it's your fault that something bad has happened. Yet on the good days you will realise that none of these thoughts are true.

8) The smallest of tasks become overwhelming
...but you will celebrate when you complete them. Things like washing your hair, cooking a meal or doing the ironing become huge feats - all you want to do is crawl back into bed and never come out again. But when you do complete small tasks it is a massive achievement, and that's okay.

9) It becomes difficult to see a future
It often seems like there is no way out of depression, and that you won't really have a future because of it. Sometimes I can't see the next hour, let alone the next day. It's so difficult to see a way out of the darkness, but you need to keep faith because you will get better - it is possible.

10) Your depression doesn't have to take over
You don't have to become your depression - you are still you. Don't give in, keep fighting, and remember that it's not a part of your personality, it is just an illness that you're suffering with. You're not a depressed person; you're a person with depression. There's a difference.
Every life has a purpose. We need to let go of the past. Live in the present. Do not waste today worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Embrace your true spirit, embrace and listen to grace and you be transformed in the moment. Do not fixate on what you want but give thanks for what you have.
                      - Caroline Myss

Friday, 29 May 2015

I brought hummus

Cards - Paperchase (here and here)

I bought these hilarious cards with my mum and sister yesterday from Paperchase, and think I'm going to stick them on my wall along with the rest of my postcards. Both of them make me laugh and appeal to my silly sense of humour - I'm hoping they make me smile when I see them in the mornings.

Today has not been a great one for me again, I woke up with a really bad headache and couldn't get myself out of bed until about 2pm, and even then I was having really negative thoughts. It's so frustrating because I need to be revising for my upcoming exams but I'm just so exhausted all the time. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it and let myself have a nap if I need to, but it is becoming very annoying. This evening I went for a long walk with my housemates around the nearby park and that seemed to help me clear my head a little - it's sometimes just so hard to motivate myself to actually get dressed and go out the house. Let's hope a fairly relaxing weekend works wonders for me!
Everything is easier in life when you don't concern yourself with what everybody else is doing.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

What's Cooking?

What's Cooking?, 24 Britannia Pavilion, Albert Dock, Liverpool

Today my mum and sister decided to come up and visit me in Liverpool, as they both had the day off. It has been a fairly sunny but blustery day so we have wandered around the shops (I bought some new pants... because you always need new pants, right?) and the docks for a while.

For lunch we decided to stop off at What's Cooking?, an American style restaurant located on the Albert Dock. The menu features dishes from the States, Mexico or the Caribbean - the food is mainly burgers, fajitas, burritos and steaks. We shared a plate of nachos to start, which was supposed to just be for 2 people but was huge (and delicious). I decided to have a veggie burger for my main, but not just any veggie burger - a Billy-Boy style veggie burger. It contained goats cheese, roasted red pepper, caramelised onion and apricot and ginger sauce - and to top it all off was served with sweet potato fries. It was delicious - really moist and very filling. So much so that I couldn't even manage to have a pudding, which is most unusual for me! Katie, my sister, went for the Scooby Snack burger; it had two beef burgers, lettuce, tomato, red onion, gherkin, cheese, bacon and pineapple - I'm really not quite sure how she managed it. I would also recommend their milkshakes - I had banana and mum went for chocolate. I think What's Cooking? would be great in the evening as the dock would be lit up - the cocktails also looked amazing so it would be worth having a visit to the bar if you feel so inclined.

I've had a really lovely day with two of my favourite people; it's made me look forward to summer so I can spend more time with my family!
Do what you love, say what you feel, and live without regret.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Fat Amy

T-Shirt - George at Asda (Similar)
Skirt - New Look
Jacket - Vintage (Similar)
Sandals - Primark
Choker Necklace - New Look
Elephant Necklace - Tanzanian Market

Today has been another fairly relaxed one. This evening I travelled back up to Liverpool and went to watch Pitch Perfect 2 with my housemates - it was hilarious, I love Rebel Wilson I think she's such a good actress. And Fat Amy is a perfect example of how everyone should be - happy to be themselves and in their own body, whatever shape it is, and confident in every situation. I also saw my psychologist again this afternoon which was really helpful - she gave me some tips on how to cope at the moment and I'm hoping she'll help me feel better regarding my depression over the coming weeks.

On another positive note, we're past Hump Day and halfway to the weekend! I hope everyone is having a lovely week.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

The comfiest trousers ever

Trousers - H&M
Bardot Crop Top - Asos
Sandals - Primark
Necklace - New Look

I've really been enjoying these H&M trousers recently - they are so so soft and so comfy. They're made out of a sort of legging material. I wasn't sure whether I'd like them when I saw them on the hanger, I just loved the pattern and decided to try them on - and then I fell in love with them. They will be perfect for summer as they're a fairly thin material; I think they would be great for a festival - plus they're currently on sale for £7.50. I just styled them with a simple crop top and a bit of silver jewellery, topped off with my old Primark sandals.

Today hasn't been that eventful as usual. I did some work and then went out for tea at the Harvester pub in Telford, which was nice. I haven't been before but you get a free salad, where you can go up to the salad bar as much as you like, with your meal. Plus there's refillable soft drinks with loads of choice - I tried strawberry Pepsi (a bit weirdly sweet but okay). Will definitely be going back again!
Your greatness is not what you have, it's what you give.

Monday, 25 May 2015


Tie-Dye T-Shirt - Monis-Londres via Asos Marketplace
Skirt - Asos
Sandals - Primark
Necklace - Bought in Italy

I am feeling so much more positive today - it's amazing what a good sleep and some fresh air can do. Today I went on a long walk with my family and our dog, Buster. It makes me appreciate how lucky we are to live in the countryside and just be able to step out the door and go for a walk, especially at the moment when the bluebells are out in full force and everywhere is so green. And no, I have no idea what sort of face I'm pulling in that cave either. We then had our first family barbecue of the year which was amazing (we always have so much food!), and the rest of the day has been spent revising and napping. Oh, and me annoying my family by repetitively singing the "crumble song" from Britain's Got Talent. "Everybody's good at cooking somethinggg, but I'm good at cooking crumble..." So annoying, yet so catchy.
Sometimes our greatest strengths emerge from our deepest challenges.
                        - Jane Lee Logan