Monday, 21 September 2015

Depressed or tendencies towards depression?

Today's post was supposed to be all about Saturday's West Midlands Blogger Meet, but then I realised that I had something more important to talk about. Sure, attending blogging events (and meeting other bloggers), plus getting the occasional freebie in the post, is fun, but what my blog is really about is me getting over my depression. And that big mountain is not quite tackled yet.

This morning I woke up with what felt like a rock in my stomach, nausea, negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts - all the horrible thoughts and typical traits of my depression. I haven't felt like that for a while, so it was a huge shock for me, which possibly made it even worse. I got frustrated and annoyed at myself for not being able to pull myself together (ironic), especially when there was no particular reason for my low mood, which then made me tearful and even more down, until I ended up in my housemate's room asking her what I should do with myself: stay in bed or go to placement?

The trouble is, I wouldn't really count myself as suffering with depression at the moment. I am generally okay, have way more good days than bad days, and actually have some really happy times. So when I get days like today it's an unpleasant shock to the system; almost my body telling me to slow down and give it some TLC. I think I sometimes expect too much of myself, and expect to be over my illness too quickly. I am still on antidepressants and probably will be for a good amount of time, and I think I can forget that I'm actually still being treated for depression, which means it may still be there if I wasn't taking my medication.

So I chose the easy option: to stay in bed. That made me feel overly guilty for not going into placement, but actually I realise that it was the right thing for me to do. I needed to rest (and rest I did - I slept until about 2.30pm and still woke up feeling very low in energy) and just have a day doing nothing. I think I put pressure on myself to be productive all of the time, and feel guilty if I'm not, but actually sometimes just sleeping, watching 4 episodes of Sex and the City, and making myself feel better is more productive than trying to sit down at my desk and fill my exhausted brain with facts about cystic fibrosis.

I would like to think that I am tackling my depression, but that I still have tendencies towards it, and probably always will. But that's okay: it's a part of me that I'm trying hard to accept, and one that I will just tackle when it comes to it. At the moment I'm going to focus on being positive and to push on like I have been doing for the past 7 years - after all, there's so much to look forward to and the little things in life are often the best.
The future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow.


  1. I understand where you are coming from Hayley. I like to say my worst phase of depression is over, as I haven't been in a down for a considerable period of time in well over a year, but the truth is that I am still depressed and there are days when I wake up feeling similar to you. I don't think it's something to beat ourselves up about, and it's not a failing. But I'm starting to think I will always have depression, I just won't always be depressed. What do you think?

  2. I love this! I sometimes feel a little bit like this now that I'm recovered from Anorexia. I'm NOT anorexic nor do I have an eating disorder but some days (very rare) I get anorexic thoughts. I think I will always be vulnerable to going back to a dark place but I don't think I ever will again. I know it's not the same but perhaps it's similar in that you aren't always depressed but are vulnerable to it xx

    Sam // Samantha Betteridge

  3. I think once you've experienced something like depression or anxiety, you become hyper-aware of how you're feeling. This has its benefits for sure - it helps us realise when we're pushing ourselves too hard, when we need to take a break, and also to really appreciate happiness on a good day! But it also makes those lower days stand out in a way they wouldn't have before. I don't know about you, but sometimes feeling a bit rubbish makes me terrified of falling back into the worst - and then I worry about that and think about how bad it was and get even more upset and anxious and have horrible thoughts. I think part of recovery is learning again that it's ok for your mood to fluctuate a bit. One bad day isn't the start of it all going down again. It's just the time to put in place all the things you know help - such as resting for you - and realising you can manage. I always really appreciate your honest posts... I know everyone experiences things differently, but I find what you write so relatable. Hope you are feeling well.
    Jennifer x
    Ginevrella | Lifestyle Blog