Monday, 5 October 2015

Apathy


Apathy is such a strange feeling. It's like someone has stepped inside your brain and switched your emotions off - that's how I've been feeling recently. I don't feel apathetic towards everything; mainly towards myself and things that I need to be doing - I just can't be bothered and feel really unenthusiastic about life, and that's just not normal for me.

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball or stay in bed all day. This morning I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown for no reason - just the thought of going into hospital made me feel sick. I haven't washed my hair for 5 days and even just getting up and doing my teeth is really difficult. Logging onto my emails takes a huge effort, and I can't force myself to feel an ounce of excitement for anything. I have no interest in anything around me, and sometimes having no feelings towards myself can scare me. I just feel really mentally unwell, which is such a hard thing to explain to anyone that hasn't suffered with depression, but I just know my body and when I need to slow down.

I think the problem is that I've been so busy recently that I haven't had any time to just stop and be. I've been in hospital for placement, then sorting out things for various societies, and have had blog events coming out of my ears (which I am very grateful for!), so haven't had a weekend to just chill for months. I feel like I need a few days to myself doing absolutely nothing, to slow the pace of my life and not have to worry about anything.

It's very frustrating as previous to this episode I've been really good with regards to my mental health, but sometimes I need to remember that I'm actually still being treated for depression and need to let myself stop and breathe sometimes, and actually I'm still 100 times better than I was last year. I have the day off tomorrow so I'm planning on treating myself and staying in bed until I feel like I want to get up, and spending the rest of the day reading a book or watching Netflix.

Apathy is such a weird symptom of depression, and one that many suffer with - but it doesn't mean that you don't care for things or people. It's just your brain telling you to slow down and take a bit better care of yourself - the only thing you can do is accept it and let your emotions gradually come back to you.
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
                  - Thomas A. Edison



2 comments:

  1. You're amazing Hannah - hope you enjoyed your day off :)
    Kate xx

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  2. I find this to be the most frustrating symptom of depression. I can cope so much better with the real lows, apathy just feels lazy to me. You understand? Like I beat myself up for the fact I cant be bothered. I hope you enjoy your time off xx

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