Sometimes my negative thoughts take over completely, so that I don't see the point in living anymore.
Sometimes I get so down that suicide is the only option that seems reasonable.
And you know what? That is so, so frightening.
There is such a stigma around suicide, and it's the one thing that I don't talk about very often on my blog (except for this post here). But today has been a really hard day for me in terms of my mood. I woke up about 2pm but couldn't manage to actually drag myself out of bed until about 7pm, and even then my movements were really slow and stilted. I found myself staring at myself in the mirror for about 2 minutes before I could get up the energy to wash my face. And then I got back into bed, crying, before ringing my mum for help.
The trouble is, my depression makes me think that I'm such a burden, so I hate asking other people for help. I convince myself that I deserve to feel really down, and therefore shouldn't be asking others to help me. And then I get lower and lower until the suicidal thoughts start.
To be honest, I don't really know why I felt so bad today. Usually I have an inkling about why I'm feeling down, so it scared me today that I could feel this awful without any reason - but I guess that's depression for you. It can just hit without any warning, when your life is perfect, and you were fine the day before.
I spent this evening talking to my mum, and then my housemate took me out to McDonald's for a McFlurry and milkshake. I do feel a lot better now, if not a little fragile, and when I look back at how I was thinking earlier I know it was irrational.
But at the time my thoughts seem so real, and I haven't felt so frightened for myself in a while. I was thinking that everyone would be better off without me; that I would stop being a burden and everyone could move on with their lives. I now understand that what I was thinking was completely ridiculous and was my depression taking over my thoughts, but it is so scary for me at the time.
I guess the most important thing, if you ever feel the same way as me (and I hope you never do), is to get help. Even though I felt like I didn't want to disturb anyone, in the back of my mind I knew I needed to call my mum to help me get out of my head a little. If you don't feel like you can speak to family or friends, there are always organisations like Samaritans out there (Tel: 116123), or if you feel in immediate danger to yourself, please dial 999.
Life is so precious, and although depression can challenge that, it can never directly take it away from you. Please get help if you need it - I did, and I feel so much better for it.
Know who you are, and know it's enough.