Friday, 17 October 2014

It's okay

You know those days that you just wake up and feel awful, and don't want to get out of bed? Yeah, that was me today. I woke up at 7am and just couldn't make myself get up - I felt exhausted and upset. So I decided not to go into hospital for placement, and then felt really really guilty about it. But then I thought, well depression is an illness, just like having the flu or heart disease, so I need to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I just need those days where I can lie in bed and relax and just feel sorry for myself, and that's okay. I am doing so well and I don't want to push myself and end up back where I was a few months ago. It's okay for me to have bad days; it's okay to need those home comforts and to stay in bed; and it's okay to self-indulge sometimes. The main thing is that I  continue to help myself feel better and still want to get better.

I travelled home today and then went to my counselling session this evening. We hit a break-through today about what may be underlying my depression, and may be what means it keeps coming back. When I was about 15 our friends, the Fosters, traumatically died. Chris, the dad, killed his wife and daughter before setting fire to their house and shooting himself. I remember being absolutely devastated and not knowing how to deal with my feelings at the time, and being angry that it would happen to such a lovely family. I have always thought that this may have been the trigger for my depression, but I didn't realise that it may be underlying the whole thing. I was discussing with my therapist about how I keep having really bad nightmares at the moment, and repetitively have one where I'm being chased by a murderer with a gun or a knife, maybe once or twice a week. I also feel quite unsafe if I'm walking down the street by myself, and always worry about my family and what I'd do if anything ever happened to them. She suggested that this fear may be linked with what happened with the Fosters, and that perhaps we should have some more sessions to try and deal with my feelings surrounding their circumstances. I am hoping that this will help me move on with my life and hopefully mean that my depression is less likely to come back again in the future.

Another thing that made me sad today was seeing images from the internet about needing to lose weight to be 'perfect'. They said things like 'hey fatass, put that food down' or 'nobody will ever love you if you don't lose weight'. This is absolutely disgusting and untrue. Yes, you might be healthier if you lose a bit of weight, but you may not necessarily be happy. Websites shouldn't be encouraging people to diet unhealthily or to feel bad about themselves - they should encourage them to eat healthily and do a bit of exercise. Some of the most beautiful people I have seen are not really skinny like celebrities and the alleged 'gorgeous people', and they are happy. Everyone should focus on the things they do like about themselves, and stop putting themselves down about how they look. After all, your personality is much more important, and people will only like you if you are lovely - not for how you look. I wish people would stop making others feel bad - most people have something that they don't like about themselves, but they should be celebrating the things that make them individual and amazing.

Anyway, enough doom and gloom for one day! This evening I'm spending a night with my sisters watching Stand Up For Cancer and eating apple chocolate (sounds weird, but it's delicious!). I'll be putting more outfit photos up over the weekend, and am looking forward to relaxing with my family and having a couple of lie-ins.

Hannah x

Whatever makes you feel bad, leave it. Whatever makes you smile, keep it.

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