Monday, 28 November 2016

Mental health is fluctuating

Yesterday I had an extremely bad day mental health-wise. A couple of things knocked me and I did a complete 180 and just stopped functioning or thinking rationally.

I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't even stroke my dogs properly - I couldn't do anything but cry and sleep.

I couldn't think straight - all of my thoughts were about me being a horrible person, and wondering why anyone would ever want to spend any length of time with me. I was suicidal and hated myself again; I felt like I was back where I was 2 years ago. I was completely doubting myself and everyone around me.

However, my bad days now are still 100 times better than my 'good days' 2 years ago. It just goes to show how fluctuating mental health is. I would say that I am recovered from my depression, but it is still ingrained in me and my coping mechanisms - so if something knocks me, I go back to that negative way of thinking (although this is becoming rarer as time passes). Yesterday was one of those moments that I just felt like I couldn't cope, so I referred back to my old days and perhaps found that easier than facing up to what I was upset about.

I am feeling much better today, if a little tender. I think I just need a couple of days to take it slowly and get back into my routine. If this was 2 years ago, today would have been an awful day too and I wouldn't be sat here being so positive.

I did feel a bit disappointed in myself last night for reverting back to my depression, but I do understand how fluctuating mental health can be, and I need to stop being so hard on myself. The things that I said and did yesterday were because I was feeling so low and so ill, and I need to stop blaming myself for that.

On a side note, shout out to my dog Bruce who came and sat with me for a few hours whilst I was in bed. I think he's one of the big reasons that I kept going yesterday - I think he knew that something wasn't quite right.

Here's to my family for being so supportive and incredible, and for being right there with me while I'm going through it all - I love you all so much <3<3<3
Keep shining, beautiful one. The world needs your light.

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