Monday, 19 June 2017

MH Monday: Feeling insecure

As soon as I start to feel down, all of my old insecurities instantly rush back to me and I start to doubt myself.

The last few days haven't been the greatest for me, hence the lack of blog posts I guess. I have felt unmotivated and have had a lack of a drive to do anything, so most of the days have been spent in bed. I haven't even had much of an interest in reading or watching Netflix, which shows that I haven't been feeling good because they are the things I usually utilise to help myself get through days like this.

This morning I tried to sort out a couple of bills for my new flat, but they made me so frustrated and upset that I had to stop and just get into bed. Things like that don't usually phase me, and I'm generally quite happy to speak to people on the phone and sort out life admin. When I woke up I felt really achy and groggy - another sign that I'm not feeling too good at the moment.

Anyway, back to the reason for this blog post - my down days really make me revert back to my old, negative ways of thinking. The past few days I have doubted myself, including my abilities and looks, and everyone around me. I become quite insecure about my relationships and doubt why anyone would want to spend any amount of time with me. I quite quickly begin to think that people would be better off without me, and the future becomes really scary. I just generally stop wanting to deal with life, and all I can fathom doing is curling up in bed and crying - which doesn't particularly help anyone, least of all myself.

I think this insecurity stems from past friendships, but also from my negative views about myself. When I feel depressed I start to think that I'm a bad person and really boring or annoying to be around, which feeds into thinking that nobody wants to be around me. I pick apart conversations and find random reasons that people wouldn't want to be friends with me. Basically, I become a frazzled insecure mess that reads too much into things that aren't actually happening.

Luckily, I now know myself well enough to pick up on the signs and understand my way of thinking. I know that I'm being silly, but it usually takes my mum to talk me round and make me think more rationally again. I have to stop and think about which people make an effort to spend time with me, and reflect on all of the positive aspects of my relationships.

After a fair amount of reassurance from my mum, and a bit of a nap and a cry, I do feel a lot better this evening. I've still got a bit of a way to go until I am my normal happy self again, but I know I'll get there. When I get down days like this I really start to panic that I'm reverting back to being depressed, but I know that recovery is fluctuating and that I will still have some bad days. The main thing is that 95% of my days are happy ones, where I'm secure in myself and the people around me.

Hurry up and get back to that stage, Hannah!
If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.

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